Stepping back and looking in.

I came to Phuket, Thailand with the intention that it was only for an interview. Yes, I did have an interview, but I don’t think that was the point. I’ve been here for four days and already I have felt something in me shift, and I wish I could identify this change or put a name to it, but it eludes me. I have had to face some hard internal truths on this trip and it has been painful but I know that it is good, because I am learning and growing.

I am not one to ever say that things happen for a reason, because I have just never thought in that way before, but now I am not so sure and it is an uncomfortable idea to deal with.  Leaving Cambodia has put something in motion and I am beginning to see a chain of events that may never have happened if I had stayed. I don’t know if I will go back. I wish that I did know, but now I don’t believe it is in my best interest because my well-being was being sacrificed.

A part of me wonders that if by leaving, I have failed. But at this point in my life, because of a pinnacle moment, I don’t know if it does more good or harm for me to try to “stick it out”. I have a lot of things to figure out and learn about myself and it is going to take a long time, maybe I’ll never be finished but I need to start before I get complacent again and ignore those nagging feelings.

I am looking at some volunteering prospects, so I will update you all soon with where I have decided to go next.

Until next time.

The good and the bad.

Alrighty everyone, let me catch you up to speed!

The month of May has been interesting to say the least. I’ve seen people fall apart and some put themselves back together while others are still working on it. Hell, to be honest, I did a little falling apart myself but I got back up and have learned some valuable lessons. The most important being this, nothing in this life is permanent. Sometimes things are good and sometimes they aren’t, but regardless it won’t last and there will be periods of ups and downs. I think that is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with now that I am out here on my own. Not alone though, because I have tremendous support from loved ones and I haven’t once stopped feeling that. Right, enough of my “philosophical insight”! :p

So it has happened! That’s right, I am officially a teacher. I’ve worked for about two weeks now and it is challenging to say the least. I am teaching English to three different kindergarten classes of about 20 students or so. My first week was pretty rough. I wanted to run as far away from my school and never look back because you all know that little monsters…I mean children… aren’t my strong suit, but I stuck with it and it’s getting better. Marginally. A friend of mine told me that this is an opportunity to help build a part of myself that I normally wouldn’t focus on and he was absolutely right. Teaching young children is definitely a learning experience and I am constantly being challenged. I hope to come out stronger after all of it but regardless it’s another experience that I won’t soon forget.

 

Now that I am no longer at the Marady, I am living with a really nice couple in a great apartment in a popular expat community. I’ve only been here for a couple of days now, but so far I am really thankful that I made the decision to come out.

As of  now I am content living here in the Kingdom of Wonder, but as I mentioned earlier, everything is temporary so I can’t rightly say how much longer I’ll be here. I am looking at a couple of future prospects which may take me to either a rural province about two hours outside of Phnom Penh, South Korea, or even a different South East Asian country. It’s all up in the air at the moment, but I can say that I will be grounded here for the next couple of months because Cambodia isn’t quite done with me yet.

Until next time.

Cheers!

Back in the city!

After a relaxing few days in Kampot, I had to return to the reality of Phnom Penh. I am quickly becoming accustomed to the way of life here and some of it isn’t anything I should be proud of. Mommy, I know you’re reading this so just know that I promise I will buy a helmet soon! The thing I am talking about which I am not proud of is that I have started using motos more often as my mode of transportation. The first time I rode on the back of one, I was absolutely terrified and swore I would never get on one again. But then I got on one again and it wasn’t as scary. The thing is, that at the moment it’s a cheaper way to get from point A to point B and not to mention faster than a tuk-tuk in this crazy traffic. Once again, Mommy, don’t kill me! 🙂

Being back in Phnom Penh is strangely comforting and I guess that’s because technically it is my home at the moment. I mean I have an apartment, friends, favorite places to eat, and a basic idea of how to get around. There are definitely times when I miss the States but I try not to dwell on those type of feelings so much because I am trying my best to embrace this new and inspiring life that I am living.

Today is the first time I have done something “touristy” in Phnom Penh since my first Sunday spent here. I visited the Tuol Sleng (S-21) Prison. I knew that it would be sad which is why I have avoided it until now but nothing could have prepared me for the feelings I felt as I walked through the school rooms that used to be holding cells for torturing innocent people. I walked through at first struggling with whether I should even take pictures of the place because it just felt so morbid and wrong, but I decided that while painful, moments in history such as the Khmer Rouge should never be  forgotten just because it is hard to face. S-21 used was a primary and high school before the Khmer Rouge turned into a detention center where they held people with political or intellectual backgrounds and tortured them until they confessed to things they had not done.  Today it is a very eerie place, made even more so by the fact that you can tell that the rooms you stand it are classrooms and even the gym in the courtyard was warped into some sick torture device.

I spent two hours wandering from room to room, standing in cells, looking at the countless number of pictures of people who would die in those rooms. While I suppose some could spend more time there, it became too overwhelming and I had to leave. I am glad that I went, but unless it is for the documentary they show at certain times, I will not be going back. I am still debating on whether or not to upload the pictures. It probably won’t seem so bad to see the pictures, but in person it was just heartbreaking. But that is something I feel you have to face here, because this whole country is surrounded by reminders of that time and it’s crazy to see it slowly rising from the ground.

Until next time.

Cheers!

The next step.

First let me start of by apologizing for sucking at keeping this up to date. There are lots of times where I am just too tired or uninspired to write and of course when something does inspire me I have nothing to write with! I think I’ll look into purchasing a small notepad and pen.

Last Friday I finished my last day of the TESOL course and received my certificate. One of the instructors took us all out for a graduation dinner to a soup place where I had one of the best meals since I have been here in Cambodia. They actually had vegetables. Seriously.

On Sunday afternoon I became the first of my group to leave the city. I took a 3 hour bus ride to the lovely river town of Kampot, where I spent 2 nights. My first reaction upon arriving in Kampot was that there was no way I was going to survive two nights, because everything seemed so slow-paced, and I get restless easily. But I told myself to suck it up and just relax, because lord knows I needed it after spending a month in the city. I explored the riverside area of town which is really the main attraction and that took all of two hours. In that small amount of time I began to realize that Kampot had something special that I have not yet found in Phnom Penh. People there are incredibly friendly! Don’t get me wrong, I think Khmer people in general are very nice, but something about the people from Kampot was just so much different. Perhaps it’s that they aren’t living in a bustling city that hardens anyone over time, but isn’t that the case for every city?

While walking along the river I had children approach me wanting to dance and spin, young women wanting to just chat and  ask me why I was in Cambodia and what I liked the most about it, and even one teenage boy who wanted to practice his English with me.

The next day I woke to knocking at my door and when I opened it, still half asleep, it was the manager informing me that if I’d like to go on the countryside tour there was a bus downstairs and I needed to be ready in five minutes. I quickly got dressed and threw some things in a backpack and headed out. Once on the bus I quickly realized that everyone was wearing a bathing suit underneath their clothes, because apparently this tour would end up on an island. Poor planning on my part! The tour started with a half hour drive in the country and it was just so beautiful in a way I’ve never seen and don’t know how to describe exactly. We passed by many villages filled with people of every age and tons of animals. While I cannot imagine living such a slower paced life, I almost envied their laid back nature. On that drive I was reminded constantly of something I’ve noticed before and that is how Khmer people will shyly smile at you, but once you smile back and wave, those shy smiles become wide toothy grins accompanied by enthusiastic waves. This is what I love the most about this country. I have never seen such beautiful people.

Our first stop was at a salt farm, which in my ignorance I didn’t even know such things existed but it was really interesting the way it all works. The salt piles seemed to go on forever and it made for some excellent pictures.                            Next we stopped at a pepper plantation where we learned about the kinds of pepper and even got to taste some. The red colored pepper was okay, but the green one was super spicy! After that we headed to a mountain where we would get to explore a cave. I use the word ‘explore’ quite loosely, because it was so dark  you really couldn’t see anything and had to follow the voices of the guide and children (bodyguards) and the one small flashlight. I’d like to offer some personal advice here, don’t wear a dress and sandals when going through a cave. It kind of sucks. 🙂

We wrapped up the tour with a visit to the seaside town of Kep where we took a boat to Rabbit Island.  The island didn’t offer much but made for a nice couple of hours day trip. Be warned that if you order a chocolate and banana smoothie and ask them to add rum, all you will taste is rum. Felt a bit like Jack Sparrow as I was drinking it.

After a fun-filled day, I headed back to Kampot with my new Austrian friend, Michaela to the best pie/ice cream shop in the world. The WORLD. If you’re ever in Kampot, check out Kampot Ice cream and Pie Palace. It’s a wonderful little shop owned by a very sweet Khmer woman named Mary. I would move to Kampot just for Mary’s brownies. Also, I don’t want to forget to mention EpicArts Cafe. They have tasty treats and as an added bonus, their proceeds go to the training of those with disabilities. Okay, enough of me advertising! :p

All in all I had a lovely get away from the city and I can’t wait to go back.

This post is becoming longer than I had anticipated so I will wrap it up and start a new one later on. Until next time!

Cheers!

Salt farm worker.

Kep.

Rabbit Island!

My personal “bodyguard” for the cave.

The pepper plantation.

Half way there.

Thursday was the last full day of school for me and everyone else in the program, which was bittersweet. I have grown to really like many of my classmates during these past couple of weeks, and to know our time has come to an end is sad.

Friday we packed into a bus and taxi and headed to Sihanoukville to spend one last weekend together.

If Phnom Penh, is hectic and foreign, then Sihanoukville is seedy and completely westernized. During the day, the small beach town is like any other, but at night it turns into a huge permanent spring-breaker infested place. While I did have fun relaxing on the beach all weekend with friends, certain events left me with a negative vibe for the place as well as a couple of people. If I learned anything this weekend it is that as much as you might wish the best for some people, you can’t let their mistakes and irresponsibility affect your mood.

A lazy afternoon in Sihanoukville.

Moving on!

Tomorrow I begin my practice teaching at an “orphanage” in Phnom Penh and follow-up with teaching the local street kids around the hotel. I am so nervous because I don’t know how I’ll do in a classroom, but at the same time I am excited to teach these kids something valuable. Teaching the street kids will be very challenging I think, because there will be like 30 of them, and many haven’t had much classroom experience. I guess I will find out tomorrow though!

Wish me luck!

A loss for words.

Phnom Penh is chaotic.
There does not seem to be any real order here, which I guess is an order in itself.

Each morning, in the tuk-tuk ride to school, this statement is made even more true by all the hustle and bustle of this growing city.

What sticks out to me the most is the varying smells. Sometimes the air is perfumed with flowers or grilled meat, but just as I catch a scent of something pleasant, the exhaust fumes and ever piling garbage from the streets, assault the nose.
Here it is dirty, dusty, and run down. But, it is also beautiful in a way that I am not yet able to place my finger on.

Cambodia is overwhelming to say the least. I hope that as I spend more time here, I will be able to find the words that justly describe this complex place that I now call home.

The hardest thing.

(I actually wrote this on Saturday but was not able to post until tonight because the draft was on my phone. More soon.)

This is day three of flying.

Leaving my home to go to Korea was hard.
Leaving Korea to go Cambodia is proving to be even harder.
I have left one comfort zone for another, and now I am leaving this one for the complete unknown.

I feel that Im still getting used to the idea that I’ve actually left the states, because Seoul wasn’t all that shocking to the senses. If I ignored the signs in Korean, I may have been fooled that I was still in a city back home. I wonder if the same thing will happen when I arrive in Phnom Penh in the next eight hours. Probably not.

It is okay to be sad and scared, but I will not let these emotions hinder me from enjoying this experience to the fullest.

The next you hear from me will be from the “Kingdom of Wonder”.

Count down

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

At the moment I am going through a bit of a rough patch, which makes this all feel so much more overwhelming. I have so much left to do, and unfortunately it doesn’t feel like the program I am going through is very supportive while we are still here in the states. Luckily, I have found that one of the girls in the same program is actually friends with a good friend of mine, so it has been great connecting with her, and we are helping each other prepare for this adventure.

So, there is 27 days left of work, 30 days until I catch my flight, and 32 days until I am finally in Cambodia. I am so excited/nervous/restless to finally get there. I have all of my shots taken care of (my arms are so sore!), I’ll be purchasing my plane ticket this week, and this Saturday is my big fundraising party. Although I just want to skip all of this and get there already, I know that it will all pass by in a blur.

Almost there!

So much love.

I’ve always seen myself as a quiet, keep to herself kind of gal , who doesn’t mingle much outside of her family.  It’s on days like these that I realize that is no longer true, because somehow over the past few years I’ve come in to contact with some great people who I now have the pleasure to call my friends.

I’ve really been thinking about this over the past few weeks because when I set up a fundraiser for my trip, I honestly didn’t hope to expect much financial support, because I realize that my friends have to take care of their own financial concerns, families, etc. Which is why I’ve been overwhelmingly surprised at the amount of kindness they have all showed me.

I know now that I’ve come a long way from the person I was, and am so lucky to have such good, caring, and wonderful people in my life. I am forever grateful.

❤

The Playground

Today, I stumbled upon a recommendation for The Playground by Terrence M. McCoy and while it was a very easy read, it was an extremely powerful piece of writing.

I’ve read up on Cambodia’s past and the Khmer Rouge, but was brought to believe by different travel sites that Cambodia is flourishing. And now I have a better understanding of why that might be (I’ll give you a hint. China.). I’ve heard stories of corruption by those who have visited the country but nobody could give me any specific examples, other than the government only cares about making money. What’s new?

Anyway, I don’t want this to turn into a political article, it’s just that this book got me thinking about the things people in power do.

I strongly recommend The Playground, and like I mentioned it is a very easy and quick read, but worth the time. (http://www.amazon.com/The-Playground-Kindle-Single-ebook/dp/B007X6SF56/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1358360589&sr=1-1&keywords=the+playground)

Cheers!

 

 

 

P.s. Here is a video that goes along with this book quite well.