Coming back swinging!

16 Jan

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.” 
Theodore Roosevelt

Returning stateside back in September was a very bittersweet moment for me. While it felt amazing being near my family again, I struggled with the fact that I had left China during a bad bout of homesickness, instead of giving it some time. The truth is I have held on to that feeling of regret ever since, causing me to face feelings I had never come up against before. I have never been one to hang on to regret, and I don’t like admitting that I let it get the best of me these past few months.

Instead of savoring my time with loved ones, I looked for ways to distract myself, and they weren’t always healthy. I spent so much time wishing that the clock would fast forward so that I could leave again. It did just that. Time rushed right past me, even though I yelled out for it to stop, because all of a sudden I wasn’t ready. My impatience was replaced by moments of panic, doubt, and the incessant “what if” scenarios that were increasingly becoming more frequent the closer my intended departure date got. I was, am, scared. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my family and friends, my mom especially, encouraging me and assuring me that everything will be alright, I may have let fear paralyze me and hold me prisoner in a world of “what ifs”.

I am tired of that nagging voice of doubt telling me that if it didn’t work out last time, then it won’t work out this time around. Regardless of what happens, I would rather fail than not try at all, simply because I fear things won’t work out the way I planned. But that’s life. We get not guarantees or warranties, we just have to throw ourselves out there and see what happens. The alternative, watching life from the sidelines, while that voice deep down in all of us asks, “what if….”.

True, my travel plans look nothing like they did a couple of months ago, but we have to learn to go with the flow and stop resisting ourselves and the universe. Believe me, I am the queen of resistance, and all it has brought me is unnecessary pain and suffering. But, at least for now, I am done fighting and am excited to see where I end up next. It’s sure to be an exciting surprise!

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